Dear FanFiction
by marauderette-47
Summary: Yes, the characters are writing letters to FanFiction to complain about the way they are portrayed - but this isn't as cliche and overused as it sounds. The letters actually have some length, and the readers decide who writes next - R&R!
1. A Siriusly Funny Rant

**Dear FanFiction**

**By: marauderette-47**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or FanFiction:(**

**A/N: This. Has. Been. Done. So. Many. Times. But I hope I can make it unique! This is my take on what the characters of Harry Potter would tell all us authors if they found FanFiction. Bound to be interesting. So! Let's get crackin;)**

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><p><em>Dear FanFiction,<em>

_I am not stupid. I do not know _where _you got that I hate books or only know little words. I was _quoted _as being one of the cleverest students in my year, for Merlin's sake! And where is this thing about 'gray' hair coming from? I'm only thirty-something! And it is simply growing out - not thinning or receding! Oh, believe me, this is only the _beginning _of my rant - we haven't even gotten to the bloody pairings yet._

_I am not, nor have I ever been, attracted to Remus. COME ON PEOPLE! We've been best friends for years - if we EVER had a crush on each other, don't you think it would have come out by now? And what're these stories about us being 'canine mates' about? He's a WEREWOLF and I'm a DOG ANIMAGUS - I see no reason that we should have any romantic link because of this!_

_The same goes for James - I loved him like a BROTHER, not a LOVER! James was not gay - I can promise you that. He spent far too much time talking about Lily - I mean all day, everyday, it was "Lilykins!" this, or "Lily-Willy!" that. Honestly! But no, siriusly, nothing has ever gone on between me and James romantically. EVER._

_Harry. Potter. Is. My. Godson. He is twenty-some years younger than me. He is_ male_. DO NOT PAIR US TOGETHER! Don't you think James and/or Lily would have MURDERED me if I had corrupted their only son that way? WHERE ARE YOU PEOPLE GETTING THAT WE'RE TOGETHER? Okay, I get it - I was partially nude in front of him ONCE during Order of the Phoenix - but that was the movie adaptation! They always mess SOMETHING up in the movie adaptation! That was NOT in the book! I love Harry like a son - but I'm not _in _love with him! Ewie! Mental images! Stop pairing us, it's ghastly!_

_Now why ANYONE in their right MINDS would pair me with that ugly git Snivellus is beyond me. Was it not made PLAIN AS DAY in our beautifully written novels that we can't STAND each other? Or were the hints too subtle? Well, I'm here to clear the air - I HATE SNIVELLUS SNAPE! HE'S A RIGHT FOUL GIT WHO HAS NEVER SEEN SHAMPOO AND I CAN'T STAND THE AIR HE BREATHES! I WISH HIM DEATH! There. Better?_

_As for the pairing of me and Pettigrew - what the $#&%^*$ ? I can't stand him either! He's a TRAITOR and a RAT! He is the reason my best friend (who I am NOT gay with) is dead! So why would I go in bed with him? Huh? Can you answer me THAT, authors? _

_Now, we'll move on to the pairing of me and Granger - she's smart and she's nice. She's...er...sort of pretty, I guess. She's also MORE THAN HALF MY AGE! I AM NOT THAT DISGUSTING! Come on, people -_ Granger_? Don't you think I'd get...I dunno, _arrested _for something like that? Yup. Pretty sure I'd wind up back in Azkaban or something - and no frizzy-haired bookworm is worth that. Especially Granger._

_Next on my rant list: Me and Lily. WTF? James (Who I am not gay with) would have killed me! I mean, I love Lils and all, but like a sister! She #1 - wouldn't be able to put up with me and #2 - would never have done that to James. I'm sorry authors, but there's not much between me and Evans - er, I mean Potter - to work with. And where did you get that I call her Lilyflower? So many questions..._

_Finally - me and McGonagall. I don't even have words to express how I feel about this pairing. She's_ old_. Like, _she _has gray hair (unlike me, of course). Honestly - she was my _educator_. That would be like pairing Hermione with Remu- wait. That's been done? Well, that's it. Everything I know is a lie. _

_And I don't care what FanFiction says (sniffle) I'm not gay! Liking your hair does not make you fall in love with other men! _

_Now as for these troops of attractive females...OC's, are they called? THEM I could get used to..._

_Sincerely,_

_The STRAIGHT Sirius Black ;) {that wink was for my favorite fangirl - you know who you are...oh, no, please don't fight *pulls out box of popcorn with the movie theater butter*, watching girls fight over me does not at _all _make me happy...hehe...}_

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><p>And there you go! I don't like the Dear FanFiction stories that only have, like, four sentences per character - and my characters may show up more than once! There could be fifty letters from Sirius in here! And here's my twist - the characters can read each other's letters, and comment on them in their own...soo...watch out for that;) Hope you enjoyed, and please review!<p>

Until next time, marauderette-47

_Mischief Managed_


	2. Hermione Granger WEASLEY!

**Dear FanFiction**

**By: marauderette-47**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or FanFiction:(**

**A/N: Thanks for all the great feedback for Sirius, guys! As per the first request I got, here's Hermione Granger:)**

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><p><em>Dear FanFiction,<em>

_Yes, it's me. Hermione Granger. And you may want to stay and read this for a while - I've got all night to write it, so expect it to be long._

_We're not even going to get into the pairings yet - the sheer number of people I am paired with is just awful. Let's start with some changes you made to me - I hate to admit it, but I have frizzy hair. I was just born with it, and there's nothing I can do about it - where you authors get 'glossy brown curls that fall in sleek waves down her back' is beyond me. And my parents are Muggles - they are dentists, and THEY are the people who gave birth to me. My mother is NOT Bellatrix Lestrange and my father is NOT Voldemort. I am in no way related to Malfoy or any other Slytherin - I am NOT a pure blood and I do NOT mix with the Dark Arts - what sentence from the book gave you THAT impression? I would never join the Dark Side - WHERE ARE YOU PEOPLE GETTING THAT I AM SUPER POWERFUL, A PURE-BLOOD, OR EVIL?_

_On the subject of Draco Malfoy, get this through your thick skulls, authors - I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH DRACO MALFOY! HE IS NOT HOT AND HE DOES NOT HAVE A SIX-PACK! YOU CANNOT GET A SIX-PACK FROM PLAYING QUIDDITCH - ALL YOU DO IS RIDE A BROOM THROUGH THE AIR! AT MOST ALL YOU'LL GET IS SPLINTERS! I do not have a secret lust for Malfoy - he is not secretly sensitive, we do not share a mutual love of music, Disney movies, OR reading, and we can't have a civilized conversation for more than two minutes. These things are all fact - I promise you. I don't love Malfoy, I'll _never _love Malfoy, and I'm NEVER changing my mind. And no, I'm not being stubborn. I'm being realistic._

_I am not in love with any Slytherins - I mean, come on. Have you SEEN them? Blaise Zabini is not secretly sweet, and Crabbe and Goyle do NOT spy on me in the shower. NO ONE IN SLYTHERIN LIKES ME! I'M A MUGGLEBORN! I PROMISE! I've seen the videos, folks - the mother I grew up with is my birth mother. My birth mother is not a witch - therefore, she is a Muggle. Since both of my parents are Muggles, I am a Muggle-born witch. And I would not date anyone in Slytherin house if my life depended on it - and trust me, the feeling is mutual. NONE OF THEM LIKE ME BECAUSE I AM MUGGLE-BORN! WE JUST WENT OVER THIS! And when I say that I would never date a Slytherin, I mean GIRLS as well! Why you people think that me and Pansy Parkinson would make an adorable couple is beyond me._

_Professor Lupin is a kind man - I feel sorry for him because of his lycanthropy, and I respect him as a teacher. NONE OF THIS MEANS THAT WE MAKE OUT AND DO INAPPROPRIATE THINGS IN HIS OFFICE! I DO NOT LOVE REMUS LUPIN! THERE! I SAID IT! HE IS TOO OLD FOR ME, AND I SEE HIM AS A FUN UNCLE AT BEST. EVEN IF I WENT BACK IN TIME TO HIS 'MARAUDER' ERA (which is impossible, as I am well aware. YOU CAN'T GO BACK IN TIME THAT FAR!) I WOULD NOT BE IN LOVE WITH HIM! I WOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO FALL IN LOVE, OR EVEN BE SEEN IF I AM IN THE PAST! I WOULD NOT LOVE ANY OF THE MARAUDERS - THAT INCLUDES JAMES. Where you people think that me and _Harry Potter's father_ make a cute couple is disturbing. I do not love ANY of the Marauders that way._

_And yes, 'any of the Marauders' includes Sirius Black - did you know that there are 1,274 stories about the two of us as a pair? WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET THAT I LIKE HIM? He's Harry's godfather - that's almost as bad as my dating Harry's father. I DO NOT LOVE SIRIUS BLACK! WE ARE NOT MEANT TO BE TOGETHER, AND I DO NOT PLAN ON GOING BACK IN TIME TO REWRITE HISTORY SO THAT THE TWO OF US CAN HAVE A FUTURE! AND EVEN IF I DID DO ALL OF THAT, DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT HARRY WOULD BE HAPPY FOR US AND SUPPORT US? HE'D THINK IT WAS BLOODY WEIRD! You know, I once read a story where I save Sirius, and Harry looks out the window at us cuddling and he smiles and thinks its the sweetest thing ever. WHAT IS WITH THAT? Sirius Black is a grown man - he's OLD! I know he doesn't want to hear it, but it's true - Sirius is old, and his hair is - quite frankly - a bit too gray for my taste._

_I am sick of repeating myself - I do not date teachers! So I have NEVER been romantically involved with Professor Snape - guess what? HE'S A TEACHER! And he's rather depressing...like everyone loves Eeyore on Winnie the Pooh, and they want to make him happier, but they wouldn't DATE him! It's the same thing - Snape is the Eeyore of Hogwarts! I AM NOT WITH THE EEYORE OF HOGWARTS! SO QUIT WRITING SAPPY LOVE STORIES ABOUT THE TWO OF US BONDING OVER LOST LOVES - NOT GONNA HAPPEN. EVER._

_Now where this next pairing came from I have absolutely no clue - Voldemort is from the same generation as Hagrid. Are you going to pair me with the gamekeeper, too? Voldemort is OLD, he is CRUEL, he has no SOUL, and Harry killed him. Can you see why DATING him would be an issue? He's not Tom Riddle on the inside - he's a big baby childish jerk! Tom Riddle died a long time ago, and even if he hadn't, I would NOT date him! And like with Sirius, I would NOT go back in time to fall in love with him - WHY WOULD I DATE VOLDEMORT? Even if he wasn't technically 'Voldemort' yet, can you imagine how much of history I'd change by going back in time to fall in love with him? I'd risk the possibility of my own existance! And NO guy is worth that - ESPECIALLY BLOODY VOLDEMEORT! STOP HAVING ME KISS VOLDEMORT - HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO HUG MALFOY IN THE LAST MOVIE!_

_OKAY! THAT IS IT! I JUST FOUND A BLOODY ROMANCE BETWEEN ME AND HAGRID! YOU KNOW WHAT, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK - I'M GOING TO SEE JUST HOW MANY MEN YOU STUPID AUTHORS HAVE PAIRED ME WITH, AND THEN YOU'RE GOING TO GET IT!_

_**Okay...while she's gone, I'd just like everyone to know that Hermione Granger gave a false statement earlier - my hair is not gray. It just looks that way in the lighting we're in right now. You see, all us Harry Potter characters (be we deceased or alive) are gathered in that Room of Requirement you authors are so fond of putting us in. And since it's**_** definitely _possible to freeze time there (um...not. But according to FanFiction it is, so whatever) we have frozen time and are reading FanFics together. It's more than a little awkward at some points (Remus and James still won't look me in the eye) we're all banning together to send you these letters one at a tim- whoops. Got to go. She's back. ~Padfoot ._**

**_PS: Here's another wink: (;_**

_Alright - here is a list of every male character I am paired with on this HORRID website:_

_1. Abraxas M. _

_2. Adrian P._

_3. Alastor Moody_

_4. Albus Dumbledore_

_5. Albus Severus Potter_

_6. Fred Weasley_

_7. George Weasley_

_8. Bill Weasley_

_9. Percy Weasley_

_10. Ronald Weasley (THE ONLY PAIRING I APPROVE OF! I MEAN, COME ON - I MARRY HIM, DON'T I? JUST PAIR ME WITH MY HUSBAND, PLEASE!)_

_11. Severus Snape_

_12. James Potter_

_13. Sirius Black_

_14. Remus Lupin_

_15. Peter Pettigrew_

_16. Blaise Zabini_

_17. Draco Malfoy_

_18. Vincent Crabbe_

_19. Gregory Goyle_

_20. Harry Potter (COME ON! HE'S MY BEST FRIEND - THERE'S NOTHING ROMANTIC BETWEEN US! THAT DANCE WAS ONLY IN THE MOVIE!)_

_21. Rubeus Hagrid_

_22. Neville Longbottom_

_23. Dean Thomas_

_24. Tom Riddle_

_25. Lucius Malfoy_

_26. Professor Binns_

_27. Professor Flitwick_

_28. Mr. Weasley_

_29. Voldemort_

_30. Seamus Finnigan_

_And you know something? Those are only the top thirty_ men _that I'm paired with. I don't even _want _to adventure into the world of 'femslash'. Apparently, when Harry and Ron first logged on, they looked up stories about themselves and didn't know what slash was...needless to say, they haven't met each other's eyes since. And you want to know something else? I could put up with your absurd pairings and ridiculous interpretations of hair - but you've paired me with _Firenze. _Firenze! THAT is where I draw the line!_

_And one more thing - I just HAVE to know - where did you guys come up with 'Mione'? No one has ever called me that in my life - it is in neither the books nor the movies. My parents have never called me that, my friends have never called me that, and my teachers have never called me that. So WHY the Mione?_

_I think that's everything - for now at least. I know that James is itching to get his hand on some parchment to write a letter to you all, so I'll let him have his moment. So I bid you all goodbye for now, and remember - NO FIRENZE!_

_Thanks ever so, Hermione Granger Weasley._

_PS: Can I just ask why some of you are under the impression that I can't draw?_

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><p><strong>I didn't mean for it to go on for so long, lol, but I figured that HERMIONE of all people had the most to vent about. As always, reviews are appriciated and I hope you enjoy!<strong>

**~marauderette-47**

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><p><strong><em>Uhm...Sirius J Potter? This is Padfoot again...(does cool hair flip) thank you ever so for your kind words. I wasn't aware that I was (cough cough) Merlin's gift to witches. Am I really that attractive? And THANK YOU for acknoweldging that I'm not gay with James! We're exactly what you stated - best mates. And any lady who thinks Snivellus is a 'full-of-himself git' is alright in my book :) Again, thank you for acknowledging my awesomeness, and I hope to see you around for my next chapter;)<em>**

**_~Sirius Black Is Merlin's Gift To Witches._**

_James Potter: Great. Now his head's even more inflated - thanks. REALLY._

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><p><strong>I've decided to start doing this fun little bit at the end of every chapter - if you leave me a long, detailed, fun review (like the one Sirius J Potter left me for Chapter 1,) you may just get a little note from your favorite character(s) {should you tell me who that is of course}. Hope this encourages more people to read and review! Thanks a million!<strong>


	3. It's JAMES POTTER, baby!

**Dear FanFiction**

**By: marauderette-47**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or FanFiction:(**

**A/N: I got requests to write a letter from both Draco & James, and I couldn't decide which one to do - so I decided to go with the boy who got more votes. So this chapter will be James, and the next chapter will be Draco - and just warning my readers, I absolutely ADORE Sirius Black, so expect to see him...a _lot_...**

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><p><em>Dear FanFiction,<em>

_James Potter here - I'm rather put off by FanFiction to put it bluntly. I mean...really? Some of the people that you authors pair me with is disturbing! Not to mention incessintly trying to bring me back to life - I'm DEAD, people! So sorry to disappoint, but I was killed in 1981 - there's no bringing me back. _

_But let's start with this - Harry was my ONLY child - he was not abused, he did not have a twin or younger/older sibling, and he was not adopted. And what gives you the idea that Lily and me would EVER hurt our child? Did you ever read anything in any of the books that would give you that idea? I read a story in which I beat Harry - WHY ON EARTH WOULD I BEAT HARRY? And then there are those God awful father/son slash stories...I still can't quite meet my son's eyes after that one. You authors that write these kinds of stories are making me look bad!_

**Sirius: That's what you get for making fun of my hair.**

_Can we get another thing straight here? I'M NOT GAY!_ **(Sirius: As far as we know) **_I__ never had frequent_ sex_ with any of the Marauders _**(Sirius: I think he should rephrase that - he never had ANY sex with ANY of us)**_ - and we were not a cult! And Wormtail wasn't always evil - we never even suspected him! So why do you insist on keeping him out of your stories? Simply because you don't like him? Well people don't like Crabbe or Goyle or Snivellus, but they keep them in their stories._

_Then, of course, there are those fun stories that send Harry back into our era. I'd - er - like to point a few things out to you authors that write *those* kinds of stories. Have none of you ever seen 'Back to the Future'? Going back in time that far would create a paradox, not to mention that IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO GO BACK MORE THAN A FEW HOURS! And let's not forget that all of the time turners were destroyed in 1996. And I know that Harry and I look alike, but do you REALLY think that we could pass for each other? I mean, it's not like our friends don't pay ATTENTION; they'd notice that something was up! And why in the world would Lily fall for him? I READ A STORY WHERE LILY FELL FOR HIM INSTEAD OF ME! THAT'S JUST WEIRD!_

_But let's get back to the whole 'I'm not gay' thing. Sirius Black is my best friend - we've been through a lot together._** (Sirius: Awe, thanks mate!)**_ In WHAT world does being GOOD FRIENDS with someone mean that we have to make out?_ **(Sirius: Apparently FanFiction)**_ And Remus? REALLY? And why on Earth would ANY of your pair me with SNAPE? Is it not BLATANTLY obvious that I can't STAND him? Did you think that everytime I hexed him, what I meant was, "I like you, let's be friends"? NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! _

_But FanFiction isn't all bad, I suppose. There are quite a number of stories about me...and Lily...and me WITH...Lily {begins to drool}_

_Now then {clears throat} onto my next point. When I'm in my Animagus form, I can't speak. I can't speak to other stags, and I can't speak to the other Maruaders when we're animals. What do you think this is, Twilight? {scoffs}. No. We have no kick-ass mind link that allows us to speak to each other telepathically. And it's a STAG, people! I'm not a DOE, and I'm not a DEER!_

**Sirius: Doe, a deer, a female deer...**

_Sirius, stop it! This is MY rant - you've had your turn!_

**Sirius: Sorry, mate. Carry on. **

_Right. Now onto another *mind-boggling* thing I've found on this wretched sight - my lineage. Voldemort was not my father. Bellatrix was not my mother. Dumbledore was not my father. McGonagall was not my mother. I am not a BLACK, I am not a DURSLEY, and I am not a MALFOY. Case closed._

_Now I have a question for all of you - who is this 'Enoby' girl and why does she want us all to be 'goffick'? {shudders}_

_Much love, James Potter._

_And, no! Just because I said 'much love' does NOT make me gay!_

**Sirius: Yeah, mate. It kind of does.**

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><p><em>Dear Blackened Wasteland,<em>

_I've been paired with DOBBY? Who MONITERS this site? -Harry Potter_

_I know! It's been absolutely horrid to have to read some of these stories - why do authors insist on picking on me? It's just not fair. -Hermione_

_{hair flip} Why hello, Blackened Wasteland. How are you this evening? Ever been to Hogsmeade? And thank you for the compliment - I am pretty awesome, aren't I?(; -Sirius Is Amazing and Perfect Black_

_HEY! My head has DEFLATED, thank you very much! And I must admit nothing pertaining to my *dear* friend Sirius - his ego is worse than mine EVER was! *sticks tongue out back* -James Potter_

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><p><strong>And that's it for James! Sorry it's been so long since I've updated - I've been really busy with Cierraluv97's 'FanFiction Idol' competition:) If you guys have time, you should check out the entry I used for Round Two - it's called I'll Carry You Home, and it's presently on my profile;) Thanks for looking at my story, and next we have {checks list} Draco Flipping Malfoy! Has he finally mastered the use of the potty? (Yes vampire-time-lord, I ADORE me some AVPS haha) Find out in Chapter Four! Thanks a ton, guys!<strong>

**~marauderette-47**

**PS: I know this chapter was a little short - please forgive me?:(**


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